Mike Finazzo

SNL – Weekend Update – Chris Hemsworth

Posted in comedy, weekend update
  • A new report on penis sizes reveals that the average length of a man’s flaccid penis is 3.6 inches. So for the next week or so, I’d probably avoid borrowing my neighbor’s tape measure.
  • Doctors are asking licorice makers to put labels on their packages warning people that eating too much licorice can cause seizures. Now there’s a reason to avoid eating licorice besides the flavor.
  • The bus service system in Seattle, Washington is searching for a “comfort station coordinator,” who would be responsible for finding restrooms for the city’s 2600 bus drivers. In other news, does anyone know where I can get 2600 empty Snapple bottles?
  • It was revealed that the new Tinder Plus app will cost more if the user is over 30 years old. And the worst part is that since it’s on the Internet, you HAVE to tell the truth.
  • A New Jersey court has rejected a man’s claim that he suffered burns when he bowed his head in prayer over a sizzling steak fajita skillet at an Applebees. Because we all know, when you eat at Applebees, the only praying you do is from a bathroom stall.
  • The mayor of a village in Hungary, with only four streets and six horses, is renting the whole village for a little over 550 dollars a day. Did I say Mayor? Because I meant pimp.
  • Police in Nebraska arrested a man for marijuana possession after discovering the drug inside a container labeled “Not Weed.” And to think, he’d of gotten away with it, if only they hadn’t arrested him on opposite day.
  • The artist who painted Bill Clinton’s official portrait revealed that he painted a shadow into the picture that’s in the shape of a dress to represent his affair with Monica Lewinsky. And if you look closely enough into anything, you can see Hillary covering up Benghazi.
  • Workers at a subway station in New York have put up a sign asking people to not urinate in that area. Unfortunately the sign was later used as toilet paper.
  • Archaeologists have discovered a first-century house in Nazareth that may be where Mary and Joseph raised Jesus. They realized their discovery when they found a framed needle-point that reads “Son, Bless this Mess”.