Mike Finazzo

SNL – Weekend Update – Chris Pratt

Posted in comedy, weekend update

Back with a new season of SNL. Back with a brand new season of un-used jokes. Felt good about most of these – they ended up using a very similar NFL joke. Oh well, 20 more chances…

  • A Wisconsin man says that he is suffering from a rare disease that causes him to have up to 100 orgasms a day. But it sounds like the person who’s really suffering is his dry cleaner.
  • A group of drivers in Pennsylvania, who were stuck in a massive traffic jam, took out steel drums for a jam session and formed an impromptu limbo line. Doing the limbo out of boredom on a backed-up highway is the correct answer to “How low can you go?”
  • Detroit Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch tore the ACL ligament in his knee while celebrating a sack in a game against NFL-rival Green Bay Packers. “Finally, a good-news story!” said commissioner Roger Goodell
  • With more than 620 million dollars in income last year, Dr. Dre topped Forbes list of the “highest-earning hip-hop figures”. While Snoop Dogg was just “the highest”.
  • Wesleyan University announced that fraternities on campus will now be required to accept women and men as members. The decision was reached after the landmark case of Bros v Hoes.
  • More than 1500 Roman Catholics in Oklahoma City protested outside a Satanic “black mass.” Said one of the protesting Catholics – “A mass that’s shorter than 2 hours, I can get into this.”
  • A police officer in New Jersey crashed his SUV into a Dunkin’ Donuts. Luckily, additional officers were already on the scene.
  • Researchers in Boston say that they have found a time capsule hidden inside the head of a lion statue outside of a former government building. And by researchers, I mean the guys who accidentally broke an expensive lion statue.
  • As a result of the draught in California the price of lemons have more than doubled in the past year. So if life has ever handed you lemons, now’s the time to sell them.