Mike Finazzo

SNL – Weekend Update – Sarah Silverman

Posted in comedy, weekend update

They used two of the setups that I went with this week, but sadly, none of my jokes. Another shot this week, then a week off.

  • Secret Service Director Julia Pierson said that the front door to the White House now locks automatically. Finally making the residence of the President of the United States of America as secure as a Motel 6.
  • New estimates suggest that by 2020 Washington State and Colorado could expect to make over 800 million dollars in extra revenue due to legal marijuana sales. At which point they’ll quit the weed game and drop their first mixtape.
  • A company in Canada has created a new trail mix that contains crickets and beetles. It’s the perfect snack for your on-the-go pet iguana.
  • The NFL this month launched its annual breast cancer awareness campaign and covered their stadiums in pink. And you know that the stadiums will look amazing, because the NFL is second-to-none at cover-ups.
  • A British café has introduced a new breakfast called the Hibernator that is 8000 calories and comes with bacon, sausage, cheese omelets, waffles, toast, black pudding, beans and a body bag.
  • Researchers have discovered that a flavonoid used in beer can improve the memory of mice. Which explains why college students are so good at mazes.
  • California has passed a new law banning single-use plastic bags. So you’ll need to use that bag again for something else, celebrity dog walkers.
  • A new slip up by the Secret Service was uncovered after it was revealed that last month a man carrying a gun was allowed on an elevator with President Obama. The news would have been released sooner, but they were waiting to review video footage from TMZ.
  • Olympian Michael Phelps was arrested for driving under the influence while going 84 in a 45 zone. The officers that pulled him over knew he was drunk because he looked less stoned than usual.
  • Billionaire Elon Musk, the man behind SpaceX and Tesla, said that it would take 1 million people to build up a colony on Mars. Or maybe like 2 Donald Trumps.