Mike Finazzo

SNL – Weekend Update – Dwayne Johnson

Posted in weekend update
  • Magician David Copperfield’s rooftop pool ruptured and flooded his New York City apartment as well as multiple floors below. It’s apparently all part of Copperfield’s newest magic trick – “The Disappearing Security Deposit.”
  • Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel has published a new paper in the Journal of Computation Mathematics called “Computer the Fiedler Vector of Graph Laplacians.” Which he apparently wrote while suffering from a concussion.
  • A Florida businessman who was reported dead two years ago was arrested on fraud charges. Although, in Florida, being dead for only two years is considered still technically alive.
  • Ford is developing new technology that allows the car to read highway signs and slow the car down if the driver is speeding. It’s a feature that drivers are really looking forward to… disabling.
  • According to a new report employees at Apple stores around the country will now be asked to act as fashion consultants as they sell the new Apple Watch. “And, as you can see, this Apple Watch really accents my hand and wrist acne.”
  • A new study strongly suggests that having three or more  alcoholic drinks a day is a cause of liver cancer. It’s also a leading cause of DRAAA-MAAA!!!
  • A brothel in Germany has a job opening for a quality control tester to assess the value, cleanliness and safe-sex practices of their employees. And this is totally a real job and not just your girlfriend trying to bust you.