- A religious government body in Malaysia has ruled that hot dogs must be renamed because in Islam dogs are considered unclean. The food will now be referred to as “hot cow anus.”
- Police in Florida arrested a man who tried to sneak a package of steak and fresh lobster from a Walmart, by stuffing them down his pants. He was stopped by authorities when they noticed his extraordinary surf & turf girth.
- As part of a new promotion Ally Bank has placed 100 fake pennies across the country that are worth 1000 dollars each. 1000 dollars you can put towards your bail, when you get arrested for trying to pay using counterfeit coins.
- Russian President Vladimir Putin has released a new 2017 calendar featuring pin-ups pictures of him cuddling a kitten, riding a horse and wearing a wet suit. For October he’s posing with a Jack-O-Lantern with tiny hands. [Key: Putin and Donald Trump]
- A Florida man claims that he thought he was just giving his 24 year-old daughter a ride to a job interview at a bank, which she went in to rob. Although he did think it was strange that the resume she brought in with her started with “I have a gun.”
- Researchers believe that milk from Tasmanian devils may be able to kill drug-resistant bacteria. Research which was apparently conducted after getting to second base with a Tasmanian devil.
- A company is working to make laxatives used for colonoscopies in flavors such as lemon, strawberry and vanilla. Flavors which didn’t previously exist because in America, we put more research money into Oreos than medicine.
- Representatives for the Nobel committee say that since they awarded Bob Dylan the Nobel Prize for Literature last week they have not been able to get in touch with him. Just give him a little more time, Noble committee – you’re dealing with a guy whose questions are answered via wind.
- The big attraction at North Korea’s Central Zoo is Azalea, a chimpanzee that smokes cigarettes. Their second biggest attraction – “imprisoned US college student.”
SNL – Weekend Update – Tom Hanks
Posted in weekend update